Monty Python's CHEESE SHOP Sketch

(a customer walks in the door)

Customer:
Good Morning.
Owner:
Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!
Customer:
Ah, thank you, my good man.
Owner:
What can I do for you, Sir?
Customer:
Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.
Owner:
Peckish, sir?
Customer:
Esuriant.
Owner:
Eh?
Customer:
'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!
Owner:
Ah, hungry!
Customer:
In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!
Owner:
Come again?
Customer:
I want to buy some cheese.
Owner:
Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Customer:
Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Owner:
Sorry?
Customer:
'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
Owner:
So he can go on playing, can he?
Customer:
Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.
Owner:
(lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Customer:
Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.
Owner:
I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.
Customer:
Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?
Owner:
I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.
Customer:
Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.
Owner:
Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Customer:
'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?
Owner:
Sorry, sir.
Customer:
Red Windsor?
Owner:
Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Customer:
Ah. Stilton?
Owner:
Sorry.
Customer:
Ementhal? Gruyere?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Lipta?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Lancashire?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
White Stilton?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Danish Brew?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Double Goucester?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Cheshire?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Dorset Bluveny?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Camenbert, perhaps?
Owner:
Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.
Customer:
(suprised) You do! Excellent.
Owner:
Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...
Customer:
Oh, I like it runny.
Owner:
Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.
Customer:
No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!
Owner:
I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.
Customer:
I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.
Owner:
Oooooooooohhh........!
Customer:
What now?
Owner:
The cat's eaten it.
Customer:
Has he.
Owner:
She, sir.
    (pause)
Customer:
Gouda?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Edam?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Case Ness?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Smoked Austrian?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Japanese Sage Darby?
Owner:
No, sir.
Customer:
You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?
Owner:
(brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--
Customer:
No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
Owner:
Fair enough.
Customer:
Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.
Owner:
Yes?
Customer:
Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
Owner:
Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.
    (pause)
Customer:
Greek Feta?
Owner:
Uh, not as such.
Customer:
Uuh, Gorgonzola?
Owner:
no
Customer:
Parmesan,
Owner:
no
Customer:
Mozarella,
Owner:
no
Customer:
Paper Cramer,
Owner:
no
Customer:
Danish Bimbo,
Owner:
no
Customer:
Czech sheep's milk,
Owner:
no
Customer:
Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?
Owner:
Not *today*, sir, no.
    (pause)
Customer:
Aah, how about Cheddar?
Owner:
Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Customer:
Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!
Owner:
Not 'round here, sir.
Customer:
and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?
Owner:
'Illchester, sir.
Customer:
IS it.
Owner:
Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.
Customer:
Is it.
Owner:
It's our number one best seller, sir!
Customer:
I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?
Owner:
Right, sir.
Customer:
All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
Owner:
I'll have a look, sir...

.....nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer:
It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
Owner:
Finest in the district!
Customer:
(annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
Owner:
Well, it's so clean, sir!
Customer:
It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....
Owner:
(brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.
Customer:
Would it be worth it?
Owner:
Could be....
Customer:
Have you -- SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!
Owner:
Told you sir....
Customer:
(slowly) Have you got any Limburger?
Owner:
No.
Customer:
Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:
Owner:
Yessir?
Customer:
(deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.
Owner:
Yes, sir.
Customer:
Really?
    (pause)
Owner:
No. Not really, sir.
Customer:
You haven't.
Owner:
Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.
Customer:
Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Owner:
Right-Oh, sir.
    (The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)
Customer:
What a *senseless* waste of human life.