(a customer walks in the door)

Customer:

Good Morning.

Owner:

Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer:

Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner:

What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer:

Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner:

Peckish, sir?

Customer:

Esuriant.

Owner:

Eh?

Customer:

'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner:

Ah, hungry!

Customer:

In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Owner:

Come again?

Customer:

I want to buy some cheese.

Owner:

Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Customer:

Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner:

Sorry?

Customer:

'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Owner:

So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer:

Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Owner:

(lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer:

Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Owner:

I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer:

Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Owner:

I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer:

Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Owner:

Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer:

'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Owner:

Sorry, sir.

Customer:

Red Windsor?

Owner:

Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer:

Ah. Stilton?

Owner:

Sorry.

Customer:

Ementhal? Gruyere?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Lipta?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Lancashire?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

White Stilton?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Danish Brew?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Double Goucester?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Cheshire?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Dorset Bluveny?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Camenbert, perhaps?

Owner:

Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer:

(suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner:

Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer:

Oh, I like it runny.

Owner:

Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer:

No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

Owner:

I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

Customer:

I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner:

Oooooooooohhh........!

Customer:

What now?

Owner:

The cat's eaten it.

Customer:

Has he.

Owner:

She, sir.

(pause)

Customer:

Gouda?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Edam?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Case Ness?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Smoked Austrian?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Japanese Sage Darby?

Owner:

No, sir.

Customer:

You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Owner:

(brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--

Customer:

No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner:

Fair enough.

Customer:

Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Owner:

Yes?

Customer:

Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Owner:

Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

(pause)

Customer:

Greek Feta?

Owner:

Uh, not as such.

Customer:

Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Owner:

no

Customer:

Parmesan,

Owner:

no

Customer:

Mozarella,

Owner:

no

Customer:

Paper Cramer,

Owner:

no

Customer:

Danish Bimbo,

Owner:

no

Customer:

Czech sheep's milk,

Owner:

no

Customer:

Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Owner:

Not *today*, sir, no.

(pause)

Customer:

Aah, how about Cheddar?

Owner:

Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer:

Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Owner:

Not 'round here, sir.

Customer:

and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

Owner:

'Illchester, sir.

Customer:

IS it.

Owner:

Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer:

Is it.

Owner:

It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer:

I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Owner:

Right, sir.

Customer:

All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner:

I'll have a look, sir...

.....nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer:

It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Owner:

Finest in the district!

Customer:

(annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner:

Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer:

It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Owner:

(brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer:

Would it be worth it?

Owner:

Could be....

Customer:

Have you -- SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Owner:

Told you sir....

Customer:

(slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

Owner:

No.

Customer:

Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner:

Yessir?

Customer:

(deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

Owner:

Yes, sir.

Customer:

Really?

(pause)

Owner:

No. Not really, sir.

Customer:

You haven't.

Owner:

Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Customer:

Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner:

Right-Oh, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Customer:

What a *senseless* waste of human life.